i am immune to the fear of getting older and it might because there was no freedom in youth for me, and i have freedom now. there was no joy but i have joy now.

when i think about “when i was younger” i think about depression, loss, poverty, abuse, self hate, intense fear, confusion, frustration. and since i’ve worked those things out of my life and my psyche, the present and the future are my friends.

hating my life for so long makes loving it now even better. i feel the relief of the contrast daily and i wonder if that will ever go away. i’m still excited that my choices are mine now, that i get to leave places that feel bad and go to places that feel better, that i choose my fuel and what i do with it, that i’m in charge of my time and my energy and how i spend it, that i’ve worked so much of the deep shit out that i know what to do to feel better when i need to.

i’m still amazed that i know what makes me happy and that i’m doing it. this is the gift of a shitty past, the relief of the contrast when you grow up and get out and stop recreating trauma for yourself. still working on the last part, but i’m getting better at it. i love the future, and i live for it, and the new versions of me i’ll become.

fuck this “getting old” bullshit. actually, you’re always becoming new.