@@@@ i have entered into a chapter of rapid learning and growth. a month ago i moved into the top room of a historic castle with a sprawling garden and rich history and the friendliest, smartest, most attentive roommates. i took the thick curtain down from my window so there’s just a thin white linen between me and the sunrise every morning. as soon as i open my eyes i move it aside and watch the daily show that i’ve been missing out on my entire life. watching the sunrise every day is changing me. i feel in tune with beauty and life and purity@@@@

///lately i’ve been wanting to do a cleanse, to rid myself of the toxicity i’ve allowed and enabled this year. every day for the past two weeks i’ve been asking my body what it needs and a cleanse kept coming up as the answer. every other day since, someone brought up some form of a cleanse to me in conversation. i was like “I get it!” but none felt worthy or useful enough, until a friend brought one up that did. it’s like a fast with liquid mixes and supplements and “flex foods.” i am very familiar with a past version of me that would have dreaded this but i’m stoked about it currently. i started this morning and i had no negative feelings or cravings or fear. just gratitude and alignment///

::::::::::i want to experience the positive nature of my body. i’m excited to give my body what it needs and to REALLY celebrate and appreciate it. i have had a habit of putting in work but never allowing myself to feel my progress. i’m not going to do that anymore::::::::::::

[][][][][] i’m learning that in order to form habits, doing something *every day* is more important than how long i do it for. i’m learning that my anxiety about my body has never been about my body and i learned that by noticing that the anxiety has never gone away, no matter what my body looks like. and so, reasoning finally tells me, it’s never been about what my body looks like. it’s about some unresolved internal shit. i am ready to resolve it [][][][][]

///a past version of me would not be drawn to a commitment that eliminates all of my comfort foods and beverages. a past version of me would have regarded this torture. but i have done enough work in enough areas to be grateful that i’m in a space that allows me to do this and do it eagerly. i’m just like wow, i get to give myself this gift? and i get to learn from it? maybe quarantine has helped with this. 30 days of something that’s challenging is nothing, now. tuning into what’s actually good for me, not just what i “want” moment to moment is my comfort now///

+=+=+=+ i’m learning that when i’m in environments that are good for me, that i want good things. i still have to be very diligent about noticing what environments feel good or bad to me and exiting when they feel bad. i am getting a little better at this +=+=+=+

$$$ big theme right now: do my desires line up with my actions? and when they don’t, i’m working on that $$$

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~i’ve been engaging in several habits every single day that make me feel healthy, strong, accomplished, happy, motivated. i hope that by honing these habits, i am able to notice when i’m engaging in something unhealthy more quickly. i guess the goal is to feel so good that i notice right away if something i’m engaging in is disrupting these peace or alignment. environments that i spend time in should do for me as much or more than i do for myself~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(i never used to look at the sky and now it’s the first thing i see when i open my eyes. i went to the dentist for the first time in years to get my teeth cleaned. i have my first cavity! she says it’s small and manageable. i’m not scared yet but i might be?! and i got a physical and my doctor very genuinely told me she was proud of me after i answered her questions about my health.)

*^* retiring from my career and going a year without being able to find new work reallllly prepared me for covid. it was a choice then, and i learned how to adapt. my adaptation to all this is next level now. sometimes i think of all the work i’ve done and i’m like Damn. and then i think of all the work i have to do and i’m like Damn. but there is one truth that has never stopped being true no matter what: life feels good when i put in the work. *^*