It’s not that I haven’t been in the mood to write, it’s that I don’t write from a deficit and this last week has been full of deficits that I don’t even want to get into because I want to tell new stories about my life. I am fine, I am supported, I find the money that I need when I need it, I can do more than just survive.

~Some things I am changing~

|| I am updating my relationship to effort (I am re-teaching myself to love it, I’ve gotten too cozy since leaving my career.)

|| I have had a tendency to think that if it doesn’t help in a HUGE way, that it’s not worth doing. This limiting belief affects me internally too, if I can’t SOLVE the problem within me with a single action, I just won’t take the steps at all. This, especially now, leads to no action, which is a tendency of mine that this new reality has highlighted.

(WHY do I keep internalizing this COVID19 stuff as a situation I am creating? Because there are similarities to situations that I create.)

I had a big realization last week about suffering. Due to overexposure early in life and on and on, there are ways that I still CHOOSE suffering because it has felt like suffering, in and of itself, is mine. I am unlearning this layer by layer. It goes deep. Now, I am trying to determine the ways that I choose suffering. Could hard situations in my life be any easier, with a small choice that I can make, or an action that I can take? I am finding the answer to that to be yes. I can reach out sooner, I can be proactive about things that are unpleasant to deal with that impact my life in big ways. I’ve learned that avoiding a responsibility that has consequences for avoidance is a way that I choose suffering. Ease now = suffering later, with some things, like taxes and tickets.

  1. Avoidance is suffering in disguise. It’s preemptive suffering, and it’s the current major way that I have been choosing and creating suffering. I am going to reverse that.
  2. Staying angry is a way that I choose suffering. I am going to let go of anger, a little more deliberately, every day.
  3. Not following my desires and ideas is another was I choose suffering. I am going to reverse that.
  4. Staying at jobs or in situations that make me feel bad is a way I still choose suffering and this choice comes from fear of lack, experience of lack. 

>>>Next I will explore my relationship to lack.