yesterday i joined a zoom call of 31 people; women and men in my aunt’s spiritual community that i am an ebbing and flowing member of. it lasted 5.5 hours and i got some helpful insight out of it.

First, there’s a place I run to in my head when I’m in a dark place, and my thoughts around it have the same script every time, “Just stop trying. This is all too much for you, always has been. You need to be alone. You are safe alone. Leave and start over. Pack one bag, find an island you’ve never heard of with a small community of people who live off the land and don’t speak your language, and go there. Figure it out once you arrive. You don’t belong here, you belong there, wherever there is.” have i fantasized about this island so many times that i’ve built out its main characteristics? yes. feels like it’s of Greece, though I’ve never been so I’m not sure. but you know how sometimes you’ll have a dream and after you wake up you’re like, “it felt like we were in…a bedroom…..in like, Spain or something?” but you can’t tell why you had that feeling? it being a Greek island is like that for me. Anyway, there are like 30 residents. The only one I ever talk to when I go there in my head is a fisherman. Yes, he is holding a big fish, and YES he is wearing yellow rubber overalls and black rubber boots. Look it’s basic, but I didn’t design him, he walked into the scene in my mind PRE DESIGNED. I shouldn’t actually say I talk to him because we don’t talk, he is just there. But we acknowledge each other. There are other blurry elements of this island, there are children who need my help in some way. There is a need, and I am able to fill it. I am wearing a dress, the whole ground is a garden. It is a fearless place and it’s very soft, mostly quiet. And that’s all, and I go there often when I’m scared, hurt or sad, or all three at the same time since they always come together.

On the Zoom call, I got a few bits of insight into this pattern of mine:

  1. Someone said that no matter where I run to, I take me with me. Which, obviously, Wherever you go there you are, we’ve all head the phrase, aha but do we take heed of the wisdom of the phrase when the morphine of a runaway fantasy has already begun warmly engulfing you? well, no. we certainly do not.
  2. Someone else said maybe the island, an elsewhere place that seems safer than where i am is me when i’m my higher self. maybe my higher self is the place i want to escape to.
  3. A third person said: maybe you wanting to go away to an island is your way of telling yourself that you’re enough.

I think all of these insights are true, in their own ways. Now I’d like to get an island tattoo to keep the thought’s higher/kinder interpretation on my body, instead of the bad version of the island that I (used to) keep in my head. 

$$$$$~~~~~ Have you noticed, as you watch people continue to create ways to connect, you see so much stripped humanity. All of our honed expertise and the ways that we typically use our skills have been taken and as an almost immediate result, we return to the basics of connection that human beings have been exhibiting and relying on since the beginning of time:

} singing

} dancing

} painting

} creating

} telling stories

} writing

} cooking

} enjoying food

Back To Basics, Baby

Someone else said to observe, rather than be affected, so you can be a light.

_______________________________________…______________________________________________

Here is a sentence I wish were true about me:

I never speak like a teacher, I always speak like a friend.

Quarantine Lessons, So Far

  • We’re all on time out
  • I’ve gotta eliminate “it doesn’t matter” from my thought patterns. This is a reminder that small things become big things. There is no small, everything matters, so much. 
  • I can turn into the best version of me, quickly, when I want someone to like me. So, when doing acts of self care, I should just think of it as things I’m doing because I want this girl (in this case, it’s me) to like me.  And then do the thing you need to do like you’re showing off for someone you have a crush on.
  • The reason I think i’m better when I’m alone is because I have a FIERCE spiritual and physical and self care practice when I’m alone. in relationships, I stop practicing ALL of it. I give everything I have to the two of us, rather than me as an individual anymore. And then I get sick, my emotional and mental wellbeing suffers a lot. It’s not that I’m better alone, I’m better with daily spiritual / physical practices. If I can learn to make time for myself every day AND be in a relationship, that will be the winning balance.

::::::::::::::::::::I shot up from sleep last night to write down that I wanted to get a tattoo of a beam of light shining from behind a wall::::::::::::::::::::::