today feels okay, is it because i slept differently? i drank coffee very late last night and stayed up til 3:00. my brain felt different when i woke up, like it could handle the news.

i keep getting these ads for a workout regimen where the trainer says that when it comes to food, we have to trick our bodies with some days of lots of carbs and other days with no carbs. he says that helps us process food better overall. maybe that’s how it is with sleep, or other ways we nourish ourselves. maybe changing up our patterns allows for new headspaces.

some of the harder thoughts right now sound like:

what if i don’t have much to offer, and what if it has to be okay that i don’t have much to offer?

what if i stop thinking of myself as a helper?

what if i just make things now, selfishly, and for nobody’s benefit, ultimately?

what if the things i make don’t fulfill me?

what if fulfillment is no longer the goal? what if existence and action are, and what if it’s as simple as that?

what if i’m the one who asks for help from now on? 

what will that feel like, for me?

I ‘ V E F O U N D

that i’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about places i’ve been that i didn’t like, vibes that i didn’t like, people i’ve had to be around that i never liked, people i haven’t had to be around but chose to be around that i didn’t like, places i’ve lived that i didn’t like, buildings i spent years inside of and kept going back to over and over gain that i didn’t like. i have years worth of memories that can nauseate me with a single nod of acknowledgment in their direction. there are too many places i’ve been in my life, that i’m afraid to go back to in my head. why are there so many places. it’s because i don’t speak up when i’m in them. because i’ve numb myself to survive them, because numbing myself was one of my first skills. and i really have a knack for it.

B U T bad feelings you numb in the moment don’t disappear, they morph into other types of bad feelings and then they hide, in your responsibilities, your relationships, in your desires, in your goals. they’re no less destructive, the morphed feelings, they’re just in disguise so you can’t make sense of them. and then everything you do is powered by false feelings, dressed up as something else; hiding in order to survive.

________What i have to do now_____is be very aware of the places i’m in, and whether i like them or not. my life has become friendly

i don’t need the numbness now

but it is a default setting

that i’m trying to deprogram and then reprogram into feel and act because i am in charge of my life, and i am building new memories now.

{\\\{COPING}///}

My boyfriend and I ordered a Corona Virus panic button. I said I needed something to funnel my rushes of rage into when I feel them rushing into me. What I really wanted was one of those machines at the fair that you hit with a giant mallet. I looked it up, it’s called a High Striker, also known as a Strength Tester, or Strongman Game. I needed Strength Tester because this is testing my strength.

Some moments the button will be useful for:

^ When Las Vegas shut down.

^ When trump told a journalist that there have been no problems with Covid tests and that, “Nobody is talking about that but her.”

^ When trump asked when he’d be able to have reporters in the front row of his press conferences again, or if the temporary thinning of his immediate audience would have to “last forever.”

^ When trump said he wanted to open the country back up on Easter because, to him, Easter would be a beautiful timeline.

^ When The Staples Center announced it would be open for use as a hospital now.

When the button came in the mail, he recorded Cardi B’s voice saying “CORONA VIRUS” onto it, and then it broke on its second use. But I’ve been slamming my hand down onto it anyway and creating a corresponding sound myself which is usually just a version of me shouting AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

It’s broken but we’re making it work, like everything else right now.