this virus turned the lights out on my thoughts. some people are more equipped to die than they are to live.

(there are scarier things than dying, like living a life like this)

i have never been afraid of death. i have a list of a thousand fears, and you’ve gotta be alive to experience them.

~~~i know there are a lot of things you don’t like about this so the people you know personally seem like something you can control, but that’s wrong. you can’t control them either. you’ll barely be able to control yourself. loosen your imaginary grip, on everything.

//you live for experiences, but i live for the space between them

or

//i live for experiences, but you live for the space between them

i like spending time with myself because i don’t require anything of me. i’m the chillest caregiver ever, do what ya want kid idgaf

except this kid is gonna be a BRAT dude.  

Laziness is a virtue and I think it’s the only one. Sometimes, I’ll have to give it up, and my overall happiness will improve tremendously. And I’ll think Wow, I really should be less lazy because everything about my life looks and feels so much better. I’ll jot my realization down so I don’t forget I had it and I’ll feel like I’ve really changed my mind on this subject. Then, things will change again and I’ll have the option to be lazy again and from hour 17 of lying on my back in my bed I’ll think,

“wow no yeah just lying down was my first love, actually, and it is my only remaining love, now that i think about it. i was fooling myself before, this is where i belong, this is where i must DEEPLY stay. i am home. then i start to feel bad about myself so i make myself not lazy once more and on we go. and this is the meaning of life.

i was thinking, (from what feels like a lucid coma?) while typing this that maybe i’d release a covid diary entry a day starting now and then i thought about what i’d title them. i love the process of seeking a title. then i thought maybe each will just have one letter of COVID so the first will be titled C and the next will be titled O and so forth. then i imagined how awful that would actually be and how at least one person would DEFINITELY say “ugh” audibly once the second one was posted, titled O. then again I only think that because that’s what I would do if somebody else did that. The world in my mind is just me.

i’m curious about the bad ideas trapped in everyone’s brains that will NEVER be let out. i think about them a lot. i wonder and fanaticize about them. i love a good bad idea. And I’m fascinated about the fact that a bad idea with a lot of support has the same power as a good idea.

i dont think we lean into the power of punctuation enough there should be NO LAWS governing our use of punctuation we get it we can add our own inflections and pauses at this point we know when thoughts are done for the most part see youve made it through this without any and youre fine

punctuation should be used more often just to decorate words. like:::

e(veryon)e

//bett//er

—s|t|a|y—

\\\”””AT”””///

H?O?M?E?

see that’s so much.. cuter, f_r-\e_e yourself from. the ~shakel~s of >>punctuation<< {conservativism}

(everyone is so afraid of death, why? death is nothing like sleep is nothing. i look forward to sleep every day. what is life? moments of levity admist struggle. death is a guaranteed end to struggle. why is this scary to you. i know i’m not allowed to talk about this.)

i wonder if i’ll ever figure out what type of person i am

the word déjà looks like its holding a little umbrella but you can’t see the top