What if there was a dimensional split and this is our afterlife? A bunch of people went somewhere else, and we are here. How would you know; you wouldn’t. The saying “crazier things have happened” is saturated with so much new meaning.

You hear about the numbers of people, but you can only experience what you can experience.  Maybe people who knew how to have mostly positive thoughts are living in another dimension right now, where instead of the virus, there’s a widespread good thing. What would that even be? I can’t even get to a place in my head that will allow me to come up with what that would be. But here, we are living in a physical manifestation of our own catastrophic thoughts, from now on. I am one of the people that did this. Of all the answers to the whys that I go to in my head, I’m ashamed to discover and to admit this pandemic is trying to make me a solipsist.

(And still, I wonder what the portal was the brought me into this dimension. I wonder if it was that purple uber.)

Bennett said: If I take this opportunity of more time, and I make the changes in me that I need to make now, the good things in my life to come will come to me easier and more smoothly once this is all over and I’ll be more prepared to receive them. 

I’m trying to take this time to make my changes, in between fits of shimmering rage.

Shereen said: We are the virus, and this is mother nature’s immune response.

last night i was lying in my dark room and i began to think about how difficult it would be to explain the difference between the words “dark room” and “darkroom” to someone who had no prior knowledge of any human language. in order for this to make sense, the creature i am tasked to explain this to has to be an alien, and my brain tasks me with stuff like this often. i thought about how many concepts would have to be explained in order to explain dark room vs darkroom from scratch. i imagine the work it would take to build to a place where i could add the meaning of those two words on top of a foundation that allows for its understanding. language, inflection, compound words, baseline understanding of photography, with the sole goal of teaching the difference between these two thoughts to an alien. I suppose I DO know the origin of this. In 5th grade, my teacher Mrs. White, had us do an assignment where we had to explain to an alien how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and we had to present our instructions to her out loud. She played the role of the alien and when it was my turn I was like “Okay so first you grab the bread” And she was like, “What’s a knife, and what’s bread.” I guess if I’m being honest, that fucked me up. I like to think about how to do things from scratch a lot, and by life I mean I like to torture myself with these thoughts. Joe Rogan (i know, ugh) had a joke once about how nobody is independent and if all your comforts disappeared and you needed to make a cup you wouldn’t be able to make a cup. Thoughts like this, where hurdles are bullet-pointed and years’ worth of work is mapped out is a useless type of path that my brain chooses to travel down when it is already overwhelmed. it is unnecessarily frustrating and only requires more emotional work on my part but enough about my parents!!!

                 ((((((((((>>>>>>>>>>>I have a version of synestia where I picture sentences wearing outfits. For example, the above sentence, “But enough about my parents” is wearing a vintage cowgirl outfit with a colorful floral blouse, a red cowgirl hat, and baby blue cowboy boots.<<<<<<<<<<<)))))))))))))))))

  • This is a war in so many ways, just not in the ways he thinks.
  • If you make it through this, maybe we’ll be happier? Because our priorities will become authentic?

Someone in a youtube video said: “A lot of people start their day with gratitude. I start my day with forgiveness.  I forgive someone every day.”

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that.

okay so YESTERDAY I THOUGHT

We’d hate the virus more if the quarantine only lasted a week or two weeks. We’re gonna have everything taken from us for such a short time that the only changes are SOLELY destrcuive? We need time for the benefits to build. We, at the very least, need this to last long enough that it changes our priorities and habits, our awareness, our hearts, our actions. If something on *this scale* is going to happen, we at least want to allow the positive changes time to emerge.

and then TODAY I THOUGHT

Ah, I see. No good will come of this.

_It’s hard to live inside so many mournful moments you know will be written about forever_

There are so many things shocking about this time and one of them is, this feels like everybody showed up in my house. I left my life as I knew it in 2016. My money stopped, my insurance disappeared, my priorities changed, my inner voice got louder, I had time and I used it. I was barely able to do it alone, and I don’t know how to handle the fact that everyone else is here now.

Writing about it gives me clarity bc it reminds me that I’m inside of a story. That’s all this is. I’m inside of someone else’s story and my feelings are aspects that they won’t read about.

I read that the first global star died of Covid-19: an 86 year old saxophone player. It’s of course someone older, that has a rich history I’m entirely unfamiliar with. The news about this must be close enough to terrify me but far enough to hurt me, personally, for now. This news is stage one, it serves to ease me in. It will get closer every time.