If you found me because of Max, please read this, as it is one piece of what I want to express. 

I think about the next girl sometimes. I know that he will use me against her. He did it to me with the last girl, and to her with the former, and to her with the former, and to her with the former and so on. I know because I’ve spoken to a few women who have dated him and they’ve told me themselves. I know because I’ve spoken to him about it and he’s told me, himself. Sometimes he’d encourage me to feel so badly about myself with his words and actions that in moments of breakdown I’d say, “You clearly need to date someone more ______ and more ______. Just find them, date them, and stop torturing me for not being them.” 

He’d say, “I have dated girls more _______ and more _______. I made them feel the same way. No matter how ideal someone is, I’ll still, like, pull up a photo of them from 6 months ago and say, “Why don’t you look like this anymore?” 

It’s hard for me to read these words back to myself now, direct quotes from a conversation we had while I was taking a bath in his bathtub, because, how could I have believed in a person who would say something like this to me? How could I stay in the proximity of a person who said and did *any* of the countless, horrifically-baffling things he said and did to me while we were together? Your classic, human reasons, I guess: Childhood conditioning, cycles of abuse, low self worth, unprocessed pain, all the basics. 

I know enough about him now to know that because happy pics of me are still up on his page, a new girl will follow them to my page and form ideas about what we were or what he is or what he’s making her feel like she isn’t. I wish I could stop the pattern, but from experience I’ve learned I can only protect myself from it, or help others handle it. 

If you’re reading this because you found me through him, I am reachable when you need emotional support, clarity, guidance or help. This whole thing has helped me learn when to trust my own strengths and abilities and when to let the collective experience of others override them. 

These are tough lessons to learn and I don’t fault anyone for being confused💙